Trigger Happy. Recovering Rover.My name is Nica and I'm an emotion extremist. English

Throw back Thursday to when I weighed 91lbs and looked on the verge of death.
The sad thing was I thought I looked so so fat, and it’s so disgusting to me that my eating disorder actually made me see myself as such a huge monster, when I look at this now and physically feel sick. I can’t even comprehend looking like this again, ever.

#edrecovery #anorexiarecovery #anorexia #bulimia #eatingdisorder #edsoldier #throwbackthursday #weightrestored #weightgain #bodydysmorphia
I want your advice bc you seem to be doing pretty well at it. I am recovering from an ed and I'm not weight restored yet and I feel like I should take up running again. So that when I do reach my weight then exercise would be a habit and I won't fall overweight. The only thing is, I'm not sure if its me who wants to take up running, or if its the eating disorder. I started running before I had an ed but it was one of the main factors that contributed to my illness. What would you advise? Thanks

The fact you said you want to take up exercise so you don’t fall overweight is a massive indicator that your eating disorder is talking.
Why would you become overweight? That would take a long time and I’m sure you would notice.
You need to exercise is you have the mentality of improving your fitness levels, because if your coming from a place of having to weight restore and you are wanting to exercise to lose weight it’s just going to end really badly for you!

i am a girl from germany, laywer and kickboxing trainer, and i look at your blog for quite some time. and let me say: i adore you. youre stunning. i like what i see from your character and i like your face so much. especially when you smile. and your body also with every bloating i dont see:) keep on fighting. go your way. its good. if i create a tumblr account one day ill write you in person.

Thank you, I’m glad you enjoy what I’m doing here! X

Do you also do cardio? Did you do cardio when you were gaining weight? You look great btw. But more than that you seem so much fun.

Yes, I hate cardio but I always did it to improve my heart strength and cardiovascular system as it was so weak.
I would do short bursts of intervals to build my heart strength. Doing cardio for longer than 30 minutes can apparently cause muscle wastage, I’m not sure whether I believe that as on some days I do 1 hour (1 every other week) but during my normal workouts I do 10-20 minutes and have always done so.

do you plan on competing one day? Like bikini or something?

I don’t know, it’s always been in the back of my mind as I love a challenge
And love the physique of the bikini girls, it’s beyond beautiful. It just takes a hella lot of time which most of the time I don’t have.
I’m upping my training through to see what I can push myself too, but no plans to compete for a very long time!

I'm gonna wrap that ass (guess who)

Someone obsessed with my arse?

I eat romantic flowered breakfasts with myself so I can feel better.
I worked my legs for the first time in like 6 weeks yesterday evening, it was hard. I felt a lot of pressure being put on my hips as my quads have lost a damn lot of strength, I still haven’t got it back to what I had it before my relapse in January and that makes me so angry.
I’m desperately trying to up my calories but its proving super hard. Its my first week at my new job, I started Tuesday and next Tuesday is my first day off, I between that period in doing 52 hours. A 52 hour week, that’s more than most people and ugh I’m dreading it but I’ve taken place as full timer as manager quit, meaning a whole lot is expected from the new girl. I can deliver, I can just also get exhausted in the process!
I splurged on salmon so I can get my calories up as this just isn’t on! I have no appetite which makes it a billion times harder!
#edrecovery #anorexiarecovery #edproblems #recovery #prorecovery #selfrecovery #edsoldier #breakfast #intake #nutrition #macros #eatclean #cleaneating #healthyeating #healthyliving
how many times a week do you workout

3-5x. I answer this like a billion times I week, I’m sure!

šŸ˜¦ your booty!

Booty booty booty booty, rockin’ everywhere….

Heey could u tell me a little about why you choose to study design ? :) I'm currentlly 17, have been drawing all my life, also attending professional art lessons. I'm thinking about graphic design after i'll finish school:) also what things, traits and knowledge do u think are the most important for a designer? xxx btw u are stunning!!!

My chosen area of design is actually fashion. But I went I to graphics after I decided I wanted a more diverse portfolio and really wanted to learn how to use a computer in a artistic way. I’ve always been creative and whilst I exceeded in both academic and creative subjects, I felt like my personality better suited creativity after not doing so well in my a-level business studies and not enjoying it at all!
I needed something that made me happy and didn’t seem like a task because I was very ill with my eating disorder at the time when I could chose what to study after school. And I’m so happy that I listened to myself rather than my family, as I’m so happy with what I do and it’s never going to feel like work.
I think the most important thing is talent, you can be taught only so much but of you don’t have the talent for that area then you are going to struggle. In quite lucky in that I have lots of skills that I find easily transferable, and because of that I e succeeded on many areas, but not everyone is like this. For example, my brother can do amazing graphic design, but he can’t draw free hand to save his life. And a lot of girls in my fashion group were hopeless with any computer type design work.
So make sure you chose the right area for you, it may not be graphics, but it could be something else creative. Do you know what I mean?
A creative mind is key aswell, some people in my teaching group struggle with grades and innovative ideas as they simply have a structured and corporate way of thinking. The best minds are the insane minds, and that’s why there are so many quirky and individual artists out there, it’s not a front, it’s the way their mind words, their mind is fun!!
You need dedication aswell, I know I said above I wanted something easier, but in the sense of something that wasn’t forced. I put in insane hours, everyone does and you have to be prepared to do that! Without the dedication you simply won’t succeed, design is a hard business, and it’s not always paid. And you just gota grit your teeth. Especially with graphics, as clients are going to be dictating to you for the rest of your life, and not everyone understands design so it can’t be extremely frustrating at times.

It’s totally a whole day late for #transformationtuesday but I fell asleep before I was supposed to do it!!!
There is just under one year different between these photos.
On the left when I started my recovery and on the right, yesterday morning.

My guns ain’t big but compared to what they were back then, they are giant!! I never realised how much muscle wastage I has until I turned on my old  phone last night  and I was actual horrified at myself. I looked like a corpse, it was disgusting and I was horrified at what I had done to my body.

It seems rude to tell people who are emaciated they look disgusting, but they really do. Zero attractive qualities about a corpse and it’s made me want to push even harder as fighting against this ditch I’m currently stuck on.

#edrecovery #anorexiarecovery #recovery #selfrecovery #prorecovery #guns #biceps #arms #anorexia #bulimia #ednos #eatingdisorder #weightrestored #weightgain #weightlifting #weighttraining #strengthtraining #shoulders #muscles #gym #strongnotskinny #sicknesstofitness #bodydysmorphia
Would you mind sharing your workout routine? I tried to search for it but I couldnt find :)

That’s because I don’t post it.
I’ve posted favourite exercises and I will mention what I did on a certain day.
But I don’t have a workout plan, I change it every week so my body is constantly challenged, I don’t have a set weight, I’m always striving for heavier.
If you have a plan you are stuck in a routine, and that’s when you aren’t going to see changes.

It’s me body and I love it, and I’m not ashamed or embarrassed to admit that either.
It’s the first day at my new job and I’m loving it, fresh start completely! I’m guna go home and have a big dinner then I’m making my way to the gym and I think I will train legs for the first time in a long time!
It’s guna suck as I reckon my quads have lost massive amounts of strength that was proving hard to build up at the moment anyway.
I’m guna try and up my intake to over 2000 again. I started my day with 2 large free range eggs, toast, blackberries and a nectarine.
For lunch I’ve had cous cosy and cucumber mixed with tuna, a portion of strawberries, portion of raspberries and a small slice of my cake (the last piece in fact) farewell my dear birthday cake, the time spent with you will be cherished forever šŸŽ‚šŸ°

Here’s to new booty gains within the next couple of weeks!
#edrecovery #anorexiarecovery #recovery #selfrecovery #prorecovery #weightrestored #weightlifting #weighttraining #strengthtraining #strongnotskinny #sicknesstofitness #hamstrings #glutes #strongcore #morningshape #healthyliving #healthyeating
I don't find that you give off unrealistic expectations. I find that you give me motivation. It's like wow, if I work my ass off and eat right I can look this great too

Woo woo.
I think a unrealistic expectation would be a bmi of 13 and claiming Iā€™m recovered.
Where as Iā€™m a bmi of 20. My natural bmi is 18 so I have more than exceeded my natural weight!
I just want people to be happy and healthy and fit and full of life,
And the idea that Iā€™m giving off a false impression is horrible!

This was ma birthday cake and I’m proud to day I’ve eaten 2 pieces today, have a piece for tomorrow and are a giant slab of it yesterday.
Because I can, because cake is good, and because I can’t remember the last birthday where I had my cake, ate it and didn’t feel like jumping off a bridge after.
And that’s the real beauty of recovery, des purs having a hard time at the moment, the strength I’ve gained mentally throughout my year of recovery has been bloody amazing and will stay with me even during the hard times.

I’ve ended up cutting my calories a lot and I have lost a considerable amount of weight, this wasn’t intentional and only realised on Saturday, it really upset me as I didn’t see myself as struggling. But my Break from exercise to help my back recover clearly affected me and the breakdown of my relationship has made this worse.

I want to change that, soon the 1st birthday of my recovery is due, and I’m very excited for that, I want to be able to say on that day that I’m doing well and truly be able to mean it and to have the evidence to back it up. I want to continually Inspire people and push them to try out recovery. 
I did it completely by myself, I had no medical help, no friend or family support and no trainers at the gym. And I’m so fucking proud to say I did this by myself, it’s the most empowering thing ever.

Anyway, my cake was a 3 tier lavender sponge with white chocolate ganache filling and double cream covering. Every calorie of it was amazing!!

#edrecovery #anorexiarecovery #recovery #selfrecovery #prorecovery #edsoldier #weightrestored #healthyliving #healthyeating